Sunday, September 29, 2013
a coda....

This is not a fun post, in fact, it is a very depressing post....so if you are not up to that, please feel free to go elsewhere, right now.....



Here's The Deal.......

I just haven't been able to come on here and write.....I am in such a state of grief....
I want to write more about Kim....but I don't seem to be able to yet.......
Many things going on with my own Health Issues are keeping me down, as well......I don't seem to have the resiliency I once did----
Maybe it's because there have been so very many losses of very special touchstone people who have sustained me and fed my spirit and my soul, through good times and bad, throughout my life......
Maybe it's because I really feel so lousy, physically and emotionally 90% of the time.
Maybe it's because I'm old.

But,
Whatever It Is---- I don't know what I am doing here anymore.
I truly don't.

The life I had for 73+ years---got turned around 180 degrees in 2005.
Everything I was able to do out in the world, just stopped.  
It All Ended.
Health Issues Got In The Way. 
I had to find new ways to survive and yes, even thrive.
Or, at least try to thrive.

Being "confined" meant,
No More Going To The Theatre.
No More Going To The Movies.
No More Dinners Out.
No More Anything, Out In The world.
No Trips to The Super Market.
No Museums.
No Galleries.
No Play Readings.
No Brunches.
No Travel.
No Memorial Celebrations.
No Party's At Someones House.
No Chairing Of Fund Raisers.
No Going To Fund Raiders.

No Anything, Out In The World.

Whatever I created, had to be created here in my home and always with the caveat.....

"If you are sick or have a cold or feel like you are getting sick.....
Don't Come."

People were great about it.
They understood and honored my Health needs.

The Internet and Blogging Saved My Life For These Eight+ Years.
It Truly Did.
You Truly Did.
All Of You Wonderful People Out There All Over The World, 
You Have Saved My Life.

Then......
The other losses began.
The losses of so very many dear dear close ones----
And now, they never stop.
They continue.
And they will continue because..
That Is The Way Of It.

I am tired of the struggle.
I Am Tired of All The Heartbreak.

I Am Just Plain Fucking Tired.

And I don't have the resources I had before.
So many of those resources are gone now.
 And more heartbreak is just waiting in the wings;
Waiting to come on, and then, to 'exit'.......

So
If I cannot write anything here but these truths----hard though they may be to read----
Please Do Forgive Me.

It's either this----OR Nothing.
This is where I am right now,
and I don't like it one bit.

But, it is the truth.
My Truth----
For Right Now.

September 29th, 1963

The Anniversary of the Opening of 
"Spoon River"
on 
Broadway.
50 Years Ago Today!

This Was A Big Deal.
It Really Was!

A Lifetime Ago.

A Dream Come True.


(Was That Just A Dream?
Did It Really Happen?)

It Did Really Happen.

And It Really Was A Lifetime Ago.
And,
One Of The Best And Most Memorable Times In My Life.

And Now.....

Fifty Fucking Years Later......

I Truly Do Not Know What The Hell I Am Doing Here!

All Of Our Little Close Loving Talented

 "Spoon River" 
Family,
 Is Gone.
Everyone, 
Except
Joyce Van Patten
And, 
Me!
(And You Better Not Leave Me Too, Dear Joyce.....
You Really Better Not!
Cause I'll Kill You If You Do!)

I Know That Makes No Sense, 

But,
It's How I Feel.
And Thank God For The Telephone.
She Is 3000 Miles Away,
But,
Just A Moment Away, 
Because Of The Telephone.

See....That Is What Is So Hard About Losing

Long Time Friends And Family.....
You Have Been Through So Much Together......
Shared Everything There Is To Share.....
Laughed And Cried Together,
 And Touched Each Other's Lives In Ways So Deep....
They Cannot Be Replaced Or Repeated.......

So, When They Are Gone.....


That Connection Is Gone.

I Know, I Know, 
The Memories Are Still There.....
But.....
But.....
But.....
They Are Not There Anymore.
And They Cannot Be Replaced.
Or,
Replicated.
You Cannot See Them Anymore.
And,
You Cannot Call Them on The Phone Anymore.

And Let Me Tell You,  It Makes You Feel Absolutely Horrible.


Enough Said.









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21 Comments:
had this to say:

I am so sorry to read of your pain but I understand it's reality. We do lose those we love and from what our parents said that happens more and more as we age. It's tough. I wish I had an answer for the pain but it's okay to write about it if it helps a tiny bit. Your group of lady friends mean so much to you and when they go on, they are still in your heart, but no longer accessible to talk and be there to hug. So sorry for that loss and your health issues. *long distance hugs*

Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 10:03:00 AM PDT 

had this to say:

Oh, my goodness. I just left a comment about the post you linked for me about Spoon River Anthology - and now I see what I missed over there. Today is the anniversary! And as so often happens, there are mixed feelings. That I understand, completely.

And I understand more. My mother, bless her heart, lived to be 93. She had the usual physical problems, but was lucky enough to be able to remain in her home and not in an institution of some sort. Still, as she said to me so often, the worst part of all about getting old was that she had outlived all her family except for her baby sister, and all of her friends.

When she moved down here to Texas to be with me, she wasn't one bit happy about it. She did finally begin getting out a bit, and made a couple of friends through her knitting and needlepoint groups, but it just wasn't the same. There wasn't that shared history to fall back on in tough times, or the kind of comfortable friendship that allows for what she like to call "bitching and moaning".

Your post has reminded me of something that lives in the back of my mind. People say now and then that I ought to write a book. I just say "No!", and I finally figured out one reason I'm so opposed. The day will come when I'm no longer able to drive, to get out, to do the things I do now. When that day comes, the friendships and acquaintances I've developed through blogging still will be there - something important to think about.

I don't have your health problems (let me go knock some wood for a moment) but I'm getting up there - I'll be 67 this month. My best friend will turn 80 her next birthday. Another is in her mid-70s and coping with health issues herself. It's no fun, that's for sure.

All of which is to say - I'm not in the same place you are, but I sure as heck recognize it. I wish there was something more I could do, but I guess the best thing I can do is say go right ahead and write about it, if you want. I'll be right here, reading.

Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 11:54:00 AM PDT 

had this to say:

I am sorry, Naomi, and I know exactly how you feel, regarding your friends. In the last 10 years, I have lost too many people who I considered best friends. And I know that the longer I live, the more that will happen.

Being confined to home is not something I am dealing with, though, and I would not be a happy camper if I were. I hope that you can find solace in your memories and your photos (I know there are so many) and if you have to "live in the past" for a while - who is better to choose that path than you?

I do hope that you can come to grips with the current state of your life, since if you stopped writing here, so many people would grieve your loss, including me.

Sad or happy,mad or not.....you are welcome to vent to me at any time.
Love, Judy

Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 2:04:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

Aww Naomi, how I wish there was some brilliant thing I could say that would make it all better.
I hate that you are confined and feeling poorly. I hate that your list of lifetime friends is shrinking. I just hope that your venting on this blog has helped if only a little. You are a dear person to those of us who have come to know you via this blog. We care and send you only good thoughts and lots of virtual hugs.

Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 2:14:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

I wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel just a bit better... Hope writing this post helped a little. Big hugs ("The sun'll come out tomorrow")

Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 4:29:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

I know a little of how you feel but please keep going with this blog, you could put some poems or vid's on here or just some of your thoughts in general. And please don't take this in a bad way because it's not meant to do that.
I am sort of a recluse and without internet would be lonely for sure.

























'

Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 7:05:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

You've been on my mind a lot lately, Naomi. And now I know why. You have been such a bright spot in my life from the very first comment you made on my blog. You're personality came right through and over the years sharing with you has forged a real bond. It's frustrating not to be able to physically visit ... but I did once and that was a blessing! I've always appreciated your honesty and this post is part of that. I do believe it will shift and maybe part of that movement is sharing the truth of how you feel, as you have. I also have always appreciated your enthusiasm and playful side and I trust that is still there and will rebound because its part of who you are. I'm sorry you're sad and tired and grieving so ... part of the whole human experience and a mystery for sure. Can you get someone to come in and provide some grief counseling or support? xo

Sunday, September 29, 2013 at 8:24:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

I can feel your despair in your words, Naomi - I'm glad you can share your feelings with us. It must be just terrible to be confined like that.

I didn't realize your involvement with Spoon River Anthology. This is all coming together for me now - that is so wonderful! I've never seen the actual play, but selections from it were performed by a group at my high school (a long time ago.) I thought it was awesome then and now I want to see the play. I hope someone reprises it in Atlanta at some point.

I love reading your blog and am so happy you come visit mine. I hope you'll still keep blogging - just know that I am thinking about you today and hope you feel all these warm virtual hugs coming your way.

xo

Monday, September 30, 2013 at 8:40:00 AM PDT 

had this to say:

oh how I wish I could say that I don't know how you feel.. but I do know, and you are right about the sadness and the loneliness... it is so very hard when those who always helped lift you up are no longer there to do it.....

I wish I knew the answer to help us... a grief councilor can help some..and every little bit helps.. but that is up to you.

as far as letting it out on the blog..that's part of what the blogs are all about. Be it a voice or typing.. letting it all out helps, even when you don't think so. Even computer friends are friends enough to take the "good and the bad" and stay around! No one here is without depression or sadness!

I wish I still lived in the Valley I would come over and have a good cry with you!!

Hugsx0x0 stick around Naomi..you are not alone.

Monday, September 30, 2013 at 8:58:00 AM PDT 

had this to say:

My Dear Naomi, your post today struck such a chord that I was stunned by your words because I have just, this morning, cried out the same ones, with the same unanswerable grief: I WANT TO PHONE YOU...I WANT YOU TO SEE ME...please come back!!! My sweet mother died last May, suddenly, unexpectedly after surgery,(the tears well up). We would talk on the phone nearly every day...we had so much in common; a love of opera and live music and plays, a love of our many years living in Tucson, AZ,, love of the PBS shows, and so many road trips, and laughs about things only the two of us would ever understand...damn, that is so painful. I'm an only child, she was an only child. I have no aunts, uncles, cousins or siblings. I am the only one left with the memories of what we shared. I have to go through her things and so many of it has to do with ME, because she loved me so very much.

Dear Naomi, thank you for letting me write this, because I have been letting this build up inside and your post has come at the time that I needed to read your words, as someone who understands. I have MS (10 years), am retired disabled from a job I enjoyed, and am very restricted in what I can physically and mentally accomplish each and every day. It's a mean disease.

You said that when you were diagnosed, you determined to find a way to survive and then to thrive. Let's try to do that Now, please, you and I against the "real" world. The blog world can be one of our escapes and a meeting place.

I so love to hear you talk about films...please continue to share your expertise and also your passion for color and the miracles of nature. It helps me more than you can know.

Thank you.
love,
Elizabeth in Mississippi (An Arizona transplant)

Monday, September 30, 2013 at 11:40:00 AM PDT 

had this to say:

Naomi, you shine bright in the internet.

A regular visitor and someone who challenges us too!

You've shown me how someone who can't get about so much CAN still get about, just in a different way.

And when I say 'shown me' I really mean 'shown all of us', because you have a group of friends of all ages and from all over the world who check in regularly to see what's happening in The Hills.

It's stories from your time on the East Coast, the West Coast, the theatre, art, music, photography, the movies...this year's TV awards...the list goes on.

We'll all say take the time you need, but please keep doing what you do. We all love you for it.

Ed x

Monday, September 30, 2013 at 1:35:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

Oh, Naomi...there's nothing that can be said to make you feel better and I'm sorry for that.

I think that this is the shittiest part of getting to grow older.

Love and hugs to you.

Monday, September 30, 2013 at 8:26:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

My dear Naomi,

I have been away from blog world for a bit -- I retired in September and then took off into restricted internet land for a couple of week. I am reading backwards, and I suspect I'll learn more of Kim as I continue your posts.

Let me say this -- as you know, we share a nasty illness, and yours is far more critical at this point than mine. But I do understand much of what you experience with this and have had to come face with some of those issues myself. They are anything but fun. And I know that hearing of the losses of dear friends comes at a greater rate the older we grow.

There are a couple of truths -- we are all allowed to get depressed and experience the frustrations of life, which includes significant losses, not the least of which are health and friends. Your blog is a spot where you are allowed to be the you that you care to share. I hope it feels healing to vent about it, because it is a good outlet. Your blog friends admire you not only for your past but for your present, for the words you bring to the page, your pluckiness in surviving that confinement and expanding your world as much as you can within it. We won't bail on you. You are our friend and you have far too much to offer the world.

And we have all had those times when it feels like too much. They wax and wane.

Hold yourself close and wrap yourself in the love and caring of your friends. It is a soft blanket that will indeed help. Maybe only a bit. But it will help.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013 at 6:07:00 AM PDT 

had this to say:

I'm sorry! It sounds like it really sucks. I'm sending you virtual hugs. And please do let yourself vent without apology. That is the way we stay sane.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013 at 10:22:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

Dear Naomi, I cannot even imagine what it must be like for you on so many levels...the losses mixed with the physical limitations and being confined to your home, as beautiful and cozy as I imagine it to be...you are so right. You are disconnected from your very best friends and that just sucks! It's all about relationships, right? Well, then there's nature. You told me once you felt nature was your religion. I hope your beautiful surroundings, the sunrise and sunset and blue skies, flowers, plants and trees, the sounds outside your balcony...the birds and life below...I hope they bring you peace and comfort when you miss those you loved. I'm heartbroken for you, my friend, but as you say it is the way it is, like it or not. I hope you continue to blog and I hope there is always a silver lining (I noticed and was happy to see the humor when you mentioned Joyce VP...she better not leave you or you will kill her! lol).

I remember your friend Hannah always putting a touch of humor in her posts, remember? She had that blog "I Slept with Robert DeNiro..." or something like that. Well, she was inspirational and I only knew her through blogging.

Fifty years since Spoon River appeared on Broadway? Wow! Anything on Broadway is a big deal and I think it was even bigger back then. You had to be there or you missed it since there wasn't the same technology we have today.

I do hope you are having a good day today and I want you to know that I'm only a phone call and e-mail away if Joyce isn't around for some reason. lol Seriously, anytime, my friend, I'm here for you.

Hugs and much love to you...Ily xo

Wednesday, October 2, 2013 at 6:32:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

You have every right to feel this and share this. This blog has been your life saver when you became confined to home, it's only natural that this blog also help you grieve and figure out how to deal with this stage of your life. There is nothing I can say to make this better. Your support network is slowly disappearing. Everyone you made memories with and loved have moved on to the next phase of life, whatever that is. It's hard being one of the last remaining people, it's like getting picked last for a team in school, you don't want to be left behind, you feel security in being with your friends. The best I can recommend is to think how any of those friends would have dealt with the loss. Would they get dragged down by the losses, would they find strength to carry on? Grieving until you're done is normal, but at some point you have to stop and ask, "is this how I want to live my life? Always sad, feeling hopeless? Or do I want to make the most of the time I have left?" I am not you. I can not make any decisions for you, but I know in my own darkest moments, the thing that pulled me out of my despair was looking outside myself, to other people, other things, other tasks, projects. And before I knew it, I had let go of just enough of the sorrow, that I was able to get back on my feet emotionally. I wish I lived closer and could be of some help to you, a daily presence to check in on you, or bring some small part of the world to you, so you wouldn't feel so lost. You're fortunate in that you can reach out to other people through your computer, so you're not quite so alone. I'm here, reading, listening, caring. You vent, let the anger and sadness out, I can take it. If there's any comfort I can bring you, anything I can do, let me know.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013 at 8:33:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

Hi there,
I have just read your post. I felt two years ago...so too
I just read the red lines....and follow till end my reading and look your previous post... I lost people I loved...its hard hard to deal with...
The life is not so good as we can expect...
Stay who you are...human after all a loss is hard to dealing with...specially when its friend or family

Wish you can go through....

Hold on!

Thursday, October 3, 2013 at 5:41:00 AM PDT 

Blogger Pat
had this to say:

That is the most beautiful piece of writing Naomi. Straight from the heart and with such passion it made me want to shout and scream.
I don't have your health issues but I have lost most of the reason to get up each day.
What I don't have is your vast talent in so many fields. You should be so proud of all you have achieved. We tend to gloss over anything good we have done but you have done some brilliant work and remember in these latter years so many people have been inspired by you and your posts, your humour and your courage.
I salute you dearest Naomi. God bless.

Thursday, October 3, 2013 at 8:03:00 AM PDT 

had this to say:

Hey don't you dare talk this way! What would we all do without you! You bring so much joy to all of us with your wonderful positive comments on all our blogs.

You have loads to offer and give with all your posts here too. The stories you tell, the memories you have. You've done more in your lifetime than most of us will ever do in ours.

Yeah, and what Pat said too. Just keep your chin up and enjoy what you have got and all the beauty around you. And enjoy the people you still have in your life.

I understand you are hurting I really do, but we all love you, and want you around, okay?

Thursday, October 3, 2013 at 2:56:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

Aunt Vi used to say (often) "Getting old is "HELL!" She outlived her beloved partner, ALL of her MANY friends, all of her siblings, left only with great great great nieces and nephews who didn't care about her anymore, save 3 or 4. "If I'd kNWON I was going to live this long I would have saved more!" and "Who IS that old woman in the mirror?!" Her health was so good. Just her eyes & ears went...into darkness she went, spinning psychic tales to the end, eating apple pie day b4 she covered her face. I'll always love her. I can not thank her or you enough for your last days of still giving to me.

Sunday, October 6, 2013 at 7:52:00 PM PDT 

had this to say:

I have to admit, a little part of me dies when I see your party photos and realize one or two of them isn't here anymore.

But I do enjoy your stories, those recollections that show my what a vital and engaged person you were --and are.
Much love from Fullerton. -Kanani

Thursday, November 7, 2013 at 10:32:00 AM PST 

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